Somewhere in the Coal Mines
by thatdragonchic
Summary: In 1845 the Ireland potato famine takes over, killings hundreds and thousands. Hiccup and Elsa are two Irish teens moving to america with the little they can carry. Here is Hiccup's side of the story and how he deals with the famine and moving away to this new country with streets paved in gold. Hiccup/Astrid and Hiccup/Elsa.
1. Chapter 1

**Somewhere in the coal mine**

April 6 1845, Monday.

Dear Pamella,

The disease is hitting everywhere and anywhere. Families one by one are dying of the famine. Terry and I will have to move to America with mama and papa… if I and father can pull the money. I'm getting worried… our crops have yet to be infected but mother won't let Terry or I to eat potatoes and says her and father are more immune.

Terry constantly asks 'Hiccup, what is going on? Why are the girls and boys not going to school?' and all I can tell him is 'they are ill Terry darling, they are ill.' And he sighs and does his homework, going and everyday comes home saying 'Suzie isn't in school' or 'the boy who used to pick on me is dead.' And sometimes the older kids in school tell him scary things like 'a monster is eating all the young kids' and he comes home crying saying 'Hiccup, oh Hiccup the monster is going to get me next.'

Mother has denied him going to school and yet I continue school, going to class and doing homework. I teach young Terry as much as I can while still trying to ease my dearest darling Astrid. I only fear that mother or father may catch it before I can get the money.

**_So this is a new fanfic written in diary entry form, entirely from Hiccup's POV. Terry is a little boy version of Toothless and Hiccup's younger sibling. Soon we will get some Hiccelsa going on_**


	2. Chapter 2

April 20, 1845

Dear Pamella,

Work is so tiring and it is very late… Mother doesn't know I'm burning the candle and I must be fast. I've lost 3 co-workers on my job on the trading docks. I must go to bed though. I only need another hundred to get us to America.

May 15, 1845

Dear Pamella,

I haven't eaten in days as the famine spreads quickly. Any food I can scavage from the city I bring home to terry and father brings food for himself and mother, and I give terry any portions I get. Although many who are left hungry go for the soup lines, anything could be contaminated… I only take the breads and baked goods, nothing that contains fruits or vegetables. Although its mainly hitting the potatoes as we've seen, nobody seems to trust any other ground items. Especially those from other ports. We don't have much besides potatoes anyways.

But I do bring good news, I've been able to collect enough money to take us to America, along with some of fathers savings. The boat is said to be not the most comfortable but to be much fun as you meet those of other cultures and tend to learn English with them, eventually reaching communication. But really, I already know English, Ireland's main language since England conquered.

Mother and Father are excited; they are speaking of going with the Darlings, who are also leaving on the summer ship. They have a beautiful daughter named Elsa. She graces naturally bleached blonde hair, ice blue eyes and skin that is a fair pale but a hint of tan. She's rather frail seeming to Astrid's full body… But she is beautiful all the same. Elsa Darling is a year younger than me and I've been in her English class as a mentor before but we have never spoken. She seems rather social in her friend group though.

She has a sister, about Terry's age, they know each other and he often talks about her. But seemingly he doesn't like her more than a friend. But besides that, leaving mean's I must leave Astrid, completely. I can't afford to take her with me… I want to start anew especially because my affection for her is beginning to fade.

May 17, 1845

Dear pamella,

Terry is complaining constantly. 'I'm bored.' 'Why can't we play ball outside?' 'Where did the neighbors next door go?' 'They moved? Why? Can we move?' 'What if American's don't like us?' 'Why are we so poor now?' 'Why is Hiccup always working?' I haven't a clue what to tell him anymore… His friends are dying, the people next door have moved to another country. We are moving. America won't be home but it'll give you more time to live. We're poor because crops won't sell and the economy is crashing. I'm always working because _hell I'm working for you and mother. _But I'm nice about it and try to answer kindly.

May 17, 1845

Dear Pamella,

It is later in this evening. Something is wrong with mother and I'm afraid. What if she has caught the famine? I pray that it is nothing serious... I can't lose her

_**New update! Enjoy **_


	3. Chapter 3

May 17, 1845

Dear pamella,

Terry is complaining constantly. 'I'm bored.' 'Why can't we play ball outside?' 'Where did the neighbors next door go?' 'They moved? Why? Can we move?' 'What if American's don't like us?' 'Why are we so poor now?' 'Why is Hiccup always working?' I haven't a clue what to tell him anymore… His friends are dying, the people next door have moved to another country. We are moving. America won't be home but it'll give you more time to live. We're poor because crops won't sell and the economy is crashing. I'm always working because _hell I'm working for you and mother. _But I'm nice about it and try to answer kindly.

May 17, 1845

Dear Pamella,

It is later in this evening. Something is wrong with mother and I'm afraid. What if she has caught the famine?

May 29, 1845

Dear Pamella,

Mother is growing more and more ill by the second. Terry and I have packed but yet, Father said he will not go with us if mother remains sick. It seems she's caught this famine that is spreading like the plague.

Terry is growing thin, I've been able to get less and less food…. I'm doing the best I can. And I've been growing thin myself, I mainly scavage off tea. I've left my highschool even though I'm one of the 3 boys that was able to get into highschool. Some say it was a bad choice, but I'm growing too weak. Some day's I barely make to work through the train.

But alas we are leaving soon as I said before. Alexander Darling, the father of Elsa Darling, said once we are on the second train, which will be three countries over, we will be able to feast on all the food we desire. We can eat until our weight is normal again and we no longer look ill. If we look like that when we reach America, they might send us back. Our best bet is to eat up before the boat where food may not be as 'gourmet'.

May 30, 1845

Dear Pamella,

We're departing soon. If only Mother would get better. I've cried and begged and pleaded, I've even gone to the church with all my strength every day for ma to get better. I know its been a day, barely since I've written but its all hitting me. I'm leaving home. I'm quitting my job and I've long quit school. I'm starving, having lost at least 6 pounds, and mother is dying. Mother is _dying _Pamella. You don't understand how hard that hit me. How I've been crying and praying with false hope. Because nobody has made it through this plague and even though mother is a fighter, she will not make it. I sobbed all night. I'm tired, too tired to move at this point. I'd rather starve and die next to mother than leave. I don't want to leave anymore. I don't want to find a better home. Not with out mother, not without father. Father promised he would join us within a years time. He knows, yes he knows that he would have to watch mother suffer. He knows I've been crying. He knows about last night. Terry doesn't understand though. I'm eighteen years of age, and I just realized all the pain and torture that is happening around me. He's barely 13, how can he understand? He shouldn't have to see this. To see mother die.

Father whispered to me this morning 'I'd rather you go and live then suffer and die.' I'm all my father has left along with terry. But Terry is just discovering the world, the naughty thoughts, the changes in his body, the world around him. Terry is still a child. He doesn't become a teenager until October. How could this happen to him? How could this happen to us? To all the people in this country? Losing family member by family member from starvation or severe food poisoning or even both. Retching then trying to eat and then retching again. At some point, your stomach gives up on food. Whats the point? Some kill themselves out of insanity, and that scares me. I hold tight to hope, hope for anything, but some are so hungry yet so afraid, they can't take it. Why has god spelled such evil on us? What have we done to create such evil? It doesn't make sense… Its not fair. I can't lose mother, not now. She was looking forward to seeing me marry, to seeing grandchildren, to watching terry grow. This isn't fair.

And now Pamella the pages are wet. How will you ever accept pages ruined with tears? I can't stop thinking of all the bad things. I hate this. I hate everything. I don't want to leave but I have to. I need to. For terry and father and for you. How will I ever give you this book if it is not filled? I'll make sure you get this book, filled from back to front. I promise…. Promise, even if half the pages become tear stained. At least Terry won't have to face mother's death hands on.

_**I'm slowly revealing pam and creating a possible sequal. I'm very determined to finish this story along with my other hiccup/elsa one**_


	4. Chapter 4

June 7, 1845

Dear Pamella,

Home seems like a distant memory as we board the train, miles away from the town we lived in. I find the darlings to be quite nice to be with and Anna is great company for Terry. She and Terry get along so well, they never leave the other tired of waiting for excitement. Everything is adventure to them and it seems I have the same spirit. I'm always drawing what the carriage we ride in passes. There is so much that I've drawn, maybe I can show you later. I even caught glimps of a castle and stopped the carriage and we sat and enjoyed it while sipping on a honey wine that Mrs. Darling was able to get hold of. And although I normally do not agree with Terry drinking any type of alcohol, I allowed it this time.

But you must be wondering about the older daughter of the Darlings. Elsa is her name. She and I talked on that afternoon by the palace. We talked about small things and it was nice because she was nosey, nor was she narrow minded. Anna kept giving Elsa looks and whispering things that would make her blush, and I think Elsa has a fondness towards me but never had the courage to speak with me because of my affairs with Astrid. Speaking of Astrid, we had fought before I left. Maybe I've mentioned our problems before, maybe I haven't. I can't quite remember.

But Elsa asked me about her, and if she is following. "No… I left her." I told Elsa and even if her eyes gleamed for a moment, she got a bit of a somber look. "She loved you a lot you know. A lot of girls did." She told me, and it made me think. "Why?" I asked her, because I didn't really understand that. "Because no man is as handsome or as good as a determined one." And that was that of the conversation. But I wanted to ask if she loved me or why she knew this about astrid or if she was ever friends with Astrid and the thought of loving the same man grew a parting in their friendship. I wondered if Elsa was confident about herself like Astrid was. I don't know why I was thinking of all these things, but I just wanted to know. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad… Maybe I would even come to like Elsa as much as some of the other boys did, because they said she had a flair that most girls didn't.

June 15, 1845

Dear Pamella,

We are boarding the Final train today to the central docks. Since we lived so far north and so far to the west, it took a while to get there. Train hopping and carriage riding. We are fed any time that we want on the trains. The food is delicious and fresh from other countries. The beef stew is amazing and reminds me of the one mother used to make. I make sure Terry has meats at least twice a day, even if its just some of the dried beef they have as a snack.

There is an old Lady with her husband that I have grown aquainted to, but they are not too old, but maybe in their mid fifties. I think that they are the most darling things… Their names are Mister and Misses Carp. They are like grandparents to me, Mister Carp always giving me books to read. He has a whole suitcase of them. I read them slowly, taking my time. I want to save some for the boat ride. We both are going to live in New York until we find elsewise. The Darlings and us are living in the same two family house. I said I would help pay rent by going to work. I have nothing else to do, and going to school seems absolutely pointless.

I love the Carps, they make me feel at home. I'm having dinner with them tonight. Maybe I'll tell them about you Pam. You know how much I miss you, maybe you would have come with us instead of mom and dad. But I know you are out there awaiting us somewhere. Are you in America living a good farmers life in california like you did when you were with us at home? Or are you working on the assembly lines working up to be boss and making money like no other? I hope you are living a good life, because I cannot see you living a poor one like you used to. Pamella, I miss you. I wish you would mail me and tell me where you are. I hope you are in America, so that way I am one step closer to finding you.

June 18, 1845

Dear Pamella,

I'd never seen such a beautiful thing! The docs was full of people who had come from England and foreign lands on our docs to catch the cheaper, two way boat ride that required loads of transportation to these central shore docks. They are nothing like I've seen before. There were women in skirts piled high on their waists and strange powders caked on their faces. Some had lips, glossy red and I could see Elsa looking at them.

"Its so strange, the products they use." She whispered to me. Many probably understood english and were trying to learn for their journey over to America.

"American women use them to I think. One of my friends from the docks, Jay, he sent me a picture of an American girl he is going to marry and buy into her wealth. He painted the picture and she had shiny red lips with rosy powder covered cheeks." We were now linked arm to arm, whispering to each other. Terry trudged closely in front of me, moving ever so slowly. I patted his shoulder as if to say it was okay, and he looked up and smiled at us.

"I wish I was as beautiful." Elsa said. "As the American girls." Pamella, this confused me. Why would a girl as beautiful as Elsa is want to look like the American girls? She was practically an angel with milky white skin and naturally pink lips, with white blonde hair that had streaks of gold. And do not get me started on her eyes, a blazing ice blue that could glow in the dark. She was much more beautiful than the american girls that we saw on the trains American newspapers and magazines.

I looked down at the petit girl linked to my arm and I didn't know what to say. Truthfully, I don't where my words came from. I just blurted it out. Contrary, I'm much too embaressed to write what I told her, and I could swear I was probably three shades of red because she laughed and smiled and thanked me. Then Anna turned around and said something about what a handsome couple we made.

In all other news, solstice is in almost a week, maybe even two. I hope we get to celebrate, because we always celebrated the solstice at home with stews and cakes and cold beverages to greeet the summer. Not too mention, I am on the boat now and it is mid afternoon. Elsa had scurried to her cabin and stayed in their, I am here on the deck, sitting in one of the chairs with . He is reading a book, and I said I would maybe read the book he gave me tomorrow.

I've never been on a boat, it feels shaky and I don't much like it. Terry found some boys to play with and the language barrier wasn't much a problem because they were just chasing each other and none of them really cared. I'm glad Terry is getting along with people because normally he is shy around other boys and girls that he isn't much familiar with. I think at this point, he just wants to release all his pent up energy.

I should mention the cots for women and men are separated. And I don't think of mentioned the Darling Parents, but yes they are okay. Pam, I could tell you, that their parents might be our own the way they treat us. And I think I have a growing fondness for Elsa, not the way I did when I began to date Astrid when we were young. It's a more genuine fondness and I enjoy liking someone with such a passion, but at the same time, I feel embaressed thinking of her with such a fondness.

Maybe, more than likely, Elsa and I will have to wed, just to keep money ties lesser of, but truthfully, I am okay with that. I don't think life with Elsa could be so bad if I had to be honest. I miss you dearly pam, but I will find you one day and I will hand you this book with everything happening to me since you left. Just like you asked. I still can't help but wonder where you are. Once I am settled down and maybe started a family, I will collect all the money I can. I will search for you. Maybe I will work in the assembly lines and find you and maybe I will work my way up to a cooperate office like the boy I used to work on the docks with who married the American girl. But I don't much want an American girl like he did, I want a girl like the ones back home who know how to work and don't need maids to cook and clean for them. A lady that can help carry out tradition because like my father, I'd wake up and help her before I go to work.

I want a life that is like the one I would've lived at home. And maybe if we did get the hope and dreams and money that they say we will in America and work really becomes too much for, maybe I will consider grabbing a maid. But really, I don't want life to be drastically changed. Then what would I have left to hold on to?

**_Wow! This is actually almost three pages! The entries are going to get longer as the story progresses. I would just like to say that these aren't really chapters, more so just journal entries. If this were a book, they would just be continuous journal entries, kind of like Perks of Being a Wallflower or those Dear America books if you remember those? I remember I read a couple of those, one was A CoalMiners Bride, and it was from the girls POV but it mentioned a bit of what happened in the mines, so this is more in Hiccups POV and we will deal with the mines hands on. I actually really recommend that Dear America book, even if I read it three years ago. I think those are interesting and most are historically accurate. They can be pretty serious and the writing isn't that bad. I suggest A Coal Miners Bride more than any of them though. Theres another two I remember enjoying, but I can't recall the names of them. Oh well. Updating soon ~A.M.E_**


	5. Chapter 5

June 19, 1845

Dear Pamella,

The sun is setting and it is almost dinner. I'm excited because I've been hearing word of a party for the solstice and Elsa said she will dance her girl hood away because once we reach America, neither of us are children anymore, not in any way possible. She now prefers to sit up on the deck because it isn't so stuffy and it helps calm her. We even slept on the deck last night along the calm waves. Of course, I was holding young Terry to me and she was holding Anna to herself. But it was nice. We were hidden behind one of the ship mate cabins and nobody would have been able to see us. Whenever I refer to that spot, I will refer to it as our hiding spot.

This spot is just on the hind quarters of the ship, what do they call that again? The butt of the ship I think. Its railed and its like this roof sort of the the cabin. And its large because we were lucky enough to make it on one of the larger ships. Somebody decided that every country that boarded, could get a flag hung there on the railing to remind us of the home we came from. The flags gave us more of a place to hide and it was nice because then nobody could see us even if we were just sleeping outside.

Elsa and I spoke much of the night while the kids listened to the gossip she spoke of with the women below the ship that were settling in. I think it was nice to talk with her. Just sit and speak. 'This one woman in the cabin next to me is four months pregnant. She and her husband came from Dungloe, Didn't you begin secondary school there? Maybe you know her husband, he is only a year or two older.' She would say and I would answer how I went to one closer by the house in Bumbeg, which isn't too far from Dungloe but it is closer to our village and I explained how they were shutting down that school to build a better one. Then we began to talk about America and what we thought it would be like and what we had heard.

"Will you go work for your friend in Chicago?" She asked me at some point and I shook my head and sighed. "I never made the money to get their." I explained softly. She looked at me and nodded, taking my hand in both of her small ones. She had slender, long fingers that looked like they were newly polished, so I asked her about it and she began talking about one of the ladies who was learning english and asked if she would like her to do her nails. She was a successor in these things and did them for all the women in the village and ones around them.

"They look nice." I complimented and kissed the hand that was on the back of mine. She smiled, her cheeks turning a light pink as she mumbled a 'Thank you'. It was just one of those things where you don't know why you do them but it just feels like the right thing to do at that moment. She then began to ask more questions about me and that is where I concluded she is not talking about herself. Which was strange for me because Astrid always loved to talk about herself. Astrid loved to talk about herself and the things she did and the races she won because she loved to do sports. And just because I'm not much of an athletic, does not mean I haven't gained muscle from the last time I saw you. All the heavy lifting I do, from working at the ship yards to helping out at the farm at home, its given me some muscle mass, not to mention I do some sit ups and pull ups every mornings and have – what I can say- a very nice upper body.

Today hasn't been very eventful. So all I have to say is about lastnight but they are serving Lunch and Terry wants me to come sit downstairs with him by the beds. The very poor people have to sleep in the cellars, thankfully, we are not too poor and can manage to sleep in the poor ends of the top half of the sleeping areas. The darlings too. But the poor ends are simple least comfortable beds and frankly I don't mind that. Maybe in America, I will make enough money to buy a nice feather mattress like the ones the rich people have, those that aren't stiff and are very luxurious and comfortable.

June 23, 1845

Dear Pamella,

It was amazing. So amazing. I can't describe how amazing this all was. I can't describe the splendor of it all. Its like one second I was standing on the sidelines, the next I was amongst the mix of people. Have you ever danced so much you've felt too drunk to care and too high to feel anything but happiness? That's how I felt. I hadn't touched a drink or a cigar roll all night. I just felt that way and it might be the most amazing thing I've ever felt.

Just dancing and spinning and twirling around. Several girls ended up in my arms before I was dancing with Elsa and that's where it all really kicked in. We spun and danced and clapped and sang along and at some point it all just felt like a swirling dream. It was a pretty feeling and I didn't know much else. I didn't care about much else. I all knew were her eyes and the dancing. And I think she was the same, because I have never seen her laugh so much or smile the way she did. I never saw her eyes so bright or her dance the way she did. She never danced back home. When did she get so good?

We both knew her parents were watching us closely, but neither of us cared much. It was like a dream. And the night did not end until it was much too late to function. Elsa and I slept in our rooms last night, as the ship was full of drunk and sleeping people. I caught Terry, talking with a girl who looks like she is from Poland.

"They have a chance." Elsa whispered. At that point we'd both calmed down a bit, and we were just kind of making our way to her room. "You think so?" I asked her. She nodded and just as we reached the ladies cabin door, she turned to me and placed a soft kiss on my lips and I kissed back. I'd never felt anything more gentle in my life. Never. It was… amazing. And just as she pulled away, I did the same thing, as if to return the favor. As if I felt the need to give her something back because just then I realized I really liked her and she deserved to be kissed and that even if she ends up with another man and I end up with another woman, she deserved this right now. Even if she still had her parents and her sister, she deserved it. But maybe she felt the same for me. That I deserved this because Pam, I don't know where you are but maybe she knows I write to you. Maybe she believes I deserve it because my parents are always going to be resting in our home and I am here alone, and supporting my darling little brother who has black hair and hazel eyes that gleam like the sun. But all I can say that is certain is that she deserved it.

All I have left to say is an apology for my improper paragraph structure. I am just trying to save paper, who knows when I can get my next book? I don't want to waist paper by spacing dialogue like that. Its improper, but when I can write properly, know I can get myself another book.

Back to the other night, it was the best solstice of my life. She and I haven't talked so much, we've been too shy. Simple Hellos and how are yous. But I want to talk to her again like we used to on the train and the past few days before the solstice on the boat. I cannot explain how much happiness she gives me nor can I explain why. As of now, Terry and that girl have been talking more frequently and I wonder how they can speak if Terry only speaks fluent English and she must speak polish. Does she know English as well? Many others from Ireland speak Gaelic because they are from the south. It is slight disadvantage I think. But I will be able to make it around easily, and I hear speaking other languages such as Gaelic is an advantage in America. I hope it is. I hope I can find a job in a cooperate building and make enough money that I can support Terry and myself and marry a girl. And maybe Terry can go to school but after a year when he is 14 because he is 13 this December. He'd miss the beginning of school. Besides, he needs to adjust. Make friends; build a wall of protection even if he is a tough kid. I don't want my baby brother getting hurt; he's all I have left.

Will terry have to work? I hope he doesn't. He's too young, too innocent. I don't want him to go to work. I don't want him to lose his joy and happiness so young. He still has to go to school, learn things, grow into things. He hasn't even hit puberty yet, or so that I know of. How will he go to work if he doesn't have any muscle? Or know enough to work? Old enough to understand? I can't let him. I can't. I would rather pay all my bills late than late my darling work. He's much too young. And I guess you'd say I am too being sixteen and talking about bills and work. But that's normal. That's all I know. More than half the girls and boys I knew in primary school married and began life. I am of the few that was able to collect the money to go to school and I feel so privileged to have.

Pam, I think I'm truly realizing how afraid I am again and I'm not sure how much I can react. If I'd ever cry, I never cry aloud. You'd never hear me, but maybe that's just because I don't want people to know that truthfully I am not a happy person and somewhere deep down I am dying inside. Maybe I just wanted to rid of the world because it is truly spiteful and bitter and brings me too much pain. Is that why you left to be on your Pamella? And if I ever found you, would you want me to stay with you? Or will you push me out like everybody else? Maybe you've started a new family and its all I have to think about on these longs days. All that I can think about… All I have left to think about that comforts me for a few minutes, even if the thought of never seeing you again makes me ill.

July 9, 1845

Dear Pamella,

It's been too long since I've written. Elsa and I have made up, becoming almost normal friends again. The carps and I often sit and eat together on the deck with many other people. We sing and clap and dance, often with Elsa by my side. I myself have made some friends, even though I have never been one to have many. They often tease me about my relationship with Elsa and we have all agreed that if we are to stay in New York, we want to stay together. This boy from Italy especially comes to my fondness. He is funny and a bit of a charm, he can make any situation better. His name is Carmine Augusta and he is 18 years old. He is two years older than I am but we are still great friends.

I'm glad he knew English because he said he'd always dreamed of going to America and becoming a doctor, he just always missed his doorways of opportunity… I honestly believe that it is sad yet amazing that he stayed behind to help his family through financial troubles, even if he was ready to take off on his own. And yet he praises me, a boy without a dream, for daring to go on with my brother with such little we could pack and come to America. I told him about my father and my mother and he asked if my mother was dead and when she died how would I know? I told him I would know because when someone close to your heart dies, you feel it. And I've yet to get that slap in the face of a feeling that you've died.

I feel as though I'm being very awkward in a sense, but I feel… off today. I'm tired and I have been up all night, itching to be on land. A part of me wants to jump off the boat and find it. But I don't think that'd be the least bit of a good idea. I can't seem to sleep, even with Terry placed in my arms. I just feel restless.

Mrs. Darling assured me that once we are off I can go about all I want. That getting a job and busying myself will keep all the worth busy that I would wish to rest as I can on the boat here. Most afternoons I end up falling asleep as Carmine and I play cards or sit and talk or even smoke cigars. That's another thing, I've been smoking cigars lately. But not very often, just maybe once a week because I honestly hate the taste…. Why do I smoke then? I don't know… Maybe I just want to impress the other men.

I should mention that the other boys try to break through the small trust circle carmine and I have built. He seems like the closest thing to a friend I have ever had, and I'm afraid that he will one day make it as a doctor and leave. But I am fond of the other boys too. Kevin isn't half bad and I actually enjoy his company; he came with his family. Rolf is strange but he brings us light and happiness, I enjoy having him around these days because he is the most energetic and talking to him is like the burst of energy I need to let out. Gosh is he strange, but we won't talk about that now. Maybe later I'll tell you about our most recent outburst of strange conversation. There is also Dally, John, Carter, Donatello and Kristepher, whom all are great. But I've grown most acquainted to Carmine. Everybody loves and adores him and I will admit, I am a bit jealous.

I don't like being jealous of Carmine. It makes me frustrated because he often confides in me and seems the most relaxed with me. Being jealous makes me feel like a terrible friend to him… I do not wish to be that way, because he is genuinely my only sanity sometimes. And I find it funny how we were all timid and shy just a couple weeks ago before the solstice, but after the solstice came we started to talk and communicate together with the English they knew and what I could teach them. Carmine says that I sound Irish and I told him I hadn't a clue what he was talking about. I'd never noticed that I had an accent, but I always noticed his Italian one but I never minded.

But then I noticed we all have accents and Kevin said he hopes that it does not prevent us from making it around in the promise land. Why do we call that? The promise land? I wonder if America is really a promising place because I feel that maybe it is not and it might all be a trick. But a very large part of me yearns for promise and hope because I might commit suicide otherwise. Yes that is terribly cliché and stupid, but I'm being figurative… I think Carmine needs me for something because he will not stop calling me and saying that I have to come now. It doesn't sound urgent, he just sounds bored. Honestly, for somebody who wants to be a doctor, he is very childish and a lot like me.

July 12, 1845

Dear Pamella,

I feel like I mess. I am a mess. I believe mother died last night and I can't think any otherwise. I just know she is gone because another part of my heart has been ripped out with hers. Just like when Prima left us, it is the same feeling. All I remember is having a dream of mother dying and jolting awake in pain. Then I began to cry silent tears and I couldn't take not being able to sob allowed so I ran to our hiding place, curling up and sobbing. Elsa found me there this morning. She came and hugged me and sang to me. She knew, I knew she knew. Why else would I have cried myself to sleep? I don't think I can write anymore, my hands are beginning to shake and I haven't drunk much. I think I will go get a beverage and a stale piece of bread.

**_Aaaand this is five pages long! I hope you Enjoy this! I think that I write as Hiccup the way that I feel. It seems more natural and it just comes out more naturally. Uhmm so there is some drama here, some new friendships. Tell me what you think, how you feel about this. Also! Exciting news! My text box is back to normal! _**


	6. Chapter 6

July 14, 1845

Dear Pamella,

Carmine has been trying to pry me open. I've been so quiet that even Anna noticed. Young Anna, who is often lively and barely ever shows hopped over one day and asked me what was wrong. I shook my head and said I am homesick. And don't get me wrong, I'd do anything to be home but this was for the best… Elsa has been taking care of me the past couple of days as if I were sick and sometimes it annoys me and sometimes I appreciate it. I don't understand the reason behind her gentle kisses and soft songs she sings while we lay in our hiding spot.

Sometimes I would unbutton my shirt as the nights seemed to get hotter and she would run her fingers through the hair on my chest or rubbing my arms while she lay atop my body and listen to my heart beat. I don't think I've ever really felt loved like this… Astrid was never one for affection… She showed it through punches and quick kisses. Elsa always gave soft, gentle kisses that lingered and she always held me and showed her affection. I guess I would have to get used to it, because it's a nice feeling but a guilty one. I fear one day maybe her father would find out we are staying together like this and take my head along with my manhood. Yes I've never _touched _her, but her family was one of tradition and they wouldn't tolerate it.

This makes her a bit rebellious to have the gut to come and take care of me this way. She says love is medicine… and I'm not sure if I believe it. I might, I might not. I don't feel much better, because somewhere deep down, I know father is dying too at this point. Pamella, I am afraid because for the first time in a long time, I feel very alone.

July 21, 1845

Dear Pamella,

We are two days away from America. Terry has been bouncing with Joy and carmine has been talking nonstop about all the money and the business we would get in America. Elsa has been talking about living on a farm and opening it for families to pick fruits and vegetables. Yet I stayed quiet and listened to the excitement. I never really thought about it… what I wanted to do when I got to the land of the free, with streets paved with gold. I never thought of it. Elsa's father wants to become a doctor. The carps want to live simple in a small cottage in the country and be farmers with their family up north.

Honestly, I just need food for terry and money for rent and clothes. The darlings said that we will live together in a two family complex and Carmine said he will live with me. Kevin and the others have plans. Have things they want to do. I don't. I don't have anything I want to do… or not now. Maybe one day I will. Maybe the next war, I'll be a soldier and I can say I fought for America. But maybe America isn't as great as it sounds. I heard rumors from the brits on the boats that America was undermining issues, but they claimed it was 'nothing to worry about'. What if we are the issue? And why are the british going to America? Maybe everybody just wants a taste of the land of undermined gold.

But I think… the true gold is the nature and the land that we get paintings of. It is so much more beautiful and exotic than the plain green grass that flows through Ireland like an endless sea. Or… So I have heard. I guess I am just a bit afraid of what might actually when we get there, just a bit afraid of what may actually go down.

July 24, 1845

Dear Pamella,

I have much to talk about, very, very much to talk about. New York is a bustling city with big crowds and certain areas to live in. Upon the boat pulling up to Elis Island, we saw the statue of liberty, a bright green glowing tower that represented freedom and promised us safety. I recall having Terry on my shoulders, looking out in amazement, and Elsa was holding my hand, her mouth in a soft 'O' shape as she gazed in awe. The railings were crowded as both rich and poor tried to catch a glimpse of the Statue that towered above our heads. So much promise and beauty… Until we got onto Elis Island. People escorted us off and I refused to be separated from Terry, saying he had to stay with me and that we would go through all tests together. The guards agreed, and somebody asked me how I was so fluent in English so quickly, I gave him the most dumb look. Wow… did they really not know that all northerners from Ireland were taught English? We just had an accent to match, but it was a charming one.

Then there were the test. They poked at our limbs and torturously pulled at the lids of ours and stuck swabs down our throats. They stripped us for reflex tests and to inspect our bodies health. I feared they would claim poor Terry an ill sheep and not let him into the country, send my poor darling back. I prayed they didn't send him back because of his thin structure. He was as hyper and active as the birds in the sky that fluttered about. But thankfully, I met him outside those areas and I took him to the money exchange counter, giving them the one hundred dollars worth of money I had saved up. Yes, this was a lot of money here, but I had saved up Pam. This would allow us months worth of supply! 100$ is as if you are rich here, but really I am not, and if I can save up more, maybe I can afford to find our own place. I plan to save these one hundred dollars for important things, as food and clothes. This would only be three dollars for food and maybe five for clothes. I would keep a good ten dollars on me just in case I needed the extra money. I think I might be okay money wise.

We live on a street that is a mix between cultures. Some are Spanish, some are Italian, some are Polish, and some are Greek, even. It is the most diversity I had ever to experience and I enjoy every minute of it. But the problem is my job. The main square in the city is full of job application stands, the only one that Carmine and I could find available was working as miners in the coal mines. The worst job in the world, I could die at any second once I start this job. I don't start until Wednesday of the upcoming week, so does Carmine. We both are working in different mines, I in the north part of the mines, him in the west part. I could die. He could die. The girl that was pregnant from Dungloe's husband could die. We all could at any minute, with any wrong move. The mines could explode; we would die or come out terribly scarred. I am a coalminer Pam, the worst Job to ever be accomplished.

But our living complex is nice. We live in a two family house the Darlings had bought. Carmine, Terry and I live on the top floor, the Darlings on the bottom floor. You see, the Darlings had always been much richer than us. Elsa was always the pretty, rich girl that never had to work get married so young to help support her family, I even remember everybody calling her princess when we were all in school or even outside. Her and Anna both were called the town princesses because they were the richest girls in town… This makes me feel very bad for Elsa because everybody underestimates the sweetheart she is. I'll be honest; I do not want to fall in love, ever. But if somebody gave me the chance to fall in love with anyone in the world, I would say her.

I am sending Terry to school in September, hoping he would have made some friends by then. The Americans are cruel with ridicule, especially the young boys. They curse nasty words and throw names at us. Last night I looked at one and said 'What is your last name?' and he said some British last name. 'You aren't even from here, Lad.' I told him, giving him a knowing look and the boy looked star stricken as if to say 'You have got to be kidding me!' or how his whole life was a lie. Something like that seemed to be crossing through that dumb head of his. Point is, Americans are much crueler to foreigners and think that they are not like us. But really, we are all the same and we belong here just as much.

August 17, 1845

Dear Pamella,

My hands always feel raw from cleaning every night and its as if I am always inhaling the sooty dust of the mines. I come home covered in the stuff, my clothes constantly washed. We have to wear thin shirts that have a cut down the chest, the flaps folding over the overall strands. We have hats with lights on them, and we are constantly chipping away at the mines. Each day a bigger risk than the last. Each day a bigger scare. Good news? Elsa and I have grown very close and I think I have fallen in love with her. Better news? I still have a decent hundred in the bank, as I try to keep our money solid.

Carmine is the same, the both of us tired beyond belief. But I always manage the energy to see Elsa and play with Terry and Anna. Elsa says that my strength is incredible and she will always manage me a kiss at some point… Her father always watches us very closely as if he would be able to detect something about all the secret and private times we'd had on the boat or in the field at the edge of town on Saturday nights. She is the most comforting feeling in the world and I love her.


	7. Chapter 7

August 29, 1845

Dear Pamella,

I've never been one to disobey rules or go against tradition. I've never been one to think of other girls in a dirty way, and even when I did, I never mauled on it. I guess I never really considered what it was like, but Elsa certainly has. Probably more than I have, anyways.

I suppose it all started out innocent, and I won't go into much detail. But we were walking in a field the other night and she took me to an abandoned farmhouse somewhere in the field. I thought it looked very pretty, the moon light shining through the broken wood on the windows. There was dust floating about and it felt kind of haunted in a sense, I liked it. It was eerie and mysterious and hidden in a way…

"Isn't it lovely?" Elsa cooed, holding my arm with one hand and the other holding my hand.

"It is very beautiful…" I replied in a small voice, looking around. I remember smiling a bit as she leaned up on her toes and kissed my neck gently. I was only a foot taller than her at 6'1 and her at 5'1 in American measurements. They have strange measurements to be quite honest, how they use some weird metric system that isn't the metric system but that's besides the point.

We roamed around the place, going up to the loft by the hay bales and we just kind of sat on by the window talking for what felt like hours. We sat on the window railing, inches apart as we talked about absolutely nothing. I told her about the dusty dirty mines, how tiring it was to work there. She told me about the women and how she made candles or clothing during the day. She then sold them when they were done. She seemed to inch closer, talking about her designs, fiddling with my clothing, saying how she could fix up my wardrobe.

It kind of spiraled from there. We started kissing and ended up on the other side of the railing as I dominated her, our clothes came off most of the way. It was a feeling I can't describe, laying with her… but a good feeling. Not to mention, she has never looked more beautiful, wreathing beneath me like she did. Our only problem would be if her parent's- no her father- suspected anything. We were extra careful to make sure I didn't plant my seed in her, so that should be no problem, but her father finding out will be. I passed him this morning and he smiled at me but spoke in a way that sounded suspicious. He always did when we were alone the night before, but honestly we've never done this before and I don't know what overcame either of us.

Its getting dark though and I still need to cook something up for Terry and Carmine. Speaking of Carmine, he himself has found a girl and I'm happy for him. She's an Italian girl that arrived a few months before on another boat. He's still currently working in the mines, over time he says. Carmine is determined to get us out of here and move on with a better life, and maybe, just maybe, I could collect enough money for a wedding with Elsa. We've both agreed we would want to marry and start a family together, she seemed so happy talking about it… and it made me even happier.

September 3, 1845

Dear Pamella,

There was a mine explosion today. It was the mine next to Carmines… He hasn't been able to hear very well and I have been worrying over him all day, doing all I can to keep him okay. Terry is afraid that one of our mines will blow up and Elsa insists we both quit the job as these explosions are becoming more frequently very quickly. I'm quite afraid of what might happen to be quite honest.


	8. Chapter 8

_**This has been very heavily requested and I promise to write more. Until now, here's one entry**_

September 5, 1845

Dear Pamella,

I've always planned to marry Elsa but it seems that there's been a change in my plans. Her parents have found her a wealthy suitor, a man at least twice our age and she's terrified. I don't know what I can do or how I can help her. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do without her. I'm afraid, she's afraid, her parents are convinced she marry him.

He's got a big house, a farm and a nice job. He runs things like people do and he's got a big name about him. I could never provide her like that, certainly not here. Everybody dumbs me down because I've an accent about me. Nobody likes us immigrants and perhaps that is the biggest irony of all time, pam. These white americans, with the rogue accents and the fancy houses have it all but how did they get here?

We all know they had savaged their way over, its still too evident to hide. Why do they deteste us when we are like them? They also see anyone with a color to them as an enemy and to me, that is the saddest cruelty of all. I know many colored people, those who slave away with us in the mines and they're good people. Every person who slaves away for the rich and the richer and the white and the white seems to be better than those who round house it up. I don't think I can see Elsa becoming one of those people and I don't understand why he'd want to court a woman that isn't American.

He'll use and abuse her and I could never let that happen. It seems wrong, too wrong and I hate the thought. What am I to do though? We can't elope and our intimacies are yet to face consequence, so eloping wouldn't bring logic unless she were with child. I'm stuck and I can't seem to get my mind to stop chasing circles.

I guess I'll just have to keep running until I find an answer, won't I?


	9. Chapter 9

September 9, 1845

Dear Pam,

I'm almost frantic, I've lost my sketchbook and I can't seem to find it. I've searched everywhere! Where could it have gone? All my sketches, my artwork, even some paintings were in there. I seemed to have lost it after Mass the other day and I would ask around but I know very few people. Elsa has seen me distraught, but I won't tell her why. Its personal to me and I'm almost afraid of who found it. What will they do with it?

What if they use it to sell? Make money off of my work? I'd so hope not. I'd rather they burn the book or throw it out than sell it.

September 25, 1845

Dear Pam,

September 10, the day after my last entry, had started out like any other. The coal mines have always been brutal, it was assured that I'd probably die of lung disease. Though that day, somebody had hit the wrong place in the mine and it collapsed. 36 men didn't make it out, I was of the 22 that made it out injured and 49 are missing. I lost part of my left leg, they had only released me from the hospital today with a prosthetic. I'll have to adjust to walking in it. I'm in the Darlings living room and they insist on caring for me, Elsa insists on staying beside me.

And get this, Jay came by! I don't think I've ever embraced somebody like I've embraced him. He so discreetly walked in, sitting beside me and announcing "The first time I hear my best friend is finally in the same country as I and its after being blown to bits? You just _can't _give me a break, can you?" And we hugged for what felt like hours, ending up fighting each other. At some point he tossed me a lighter and made me light up a cigar for him, like I used to do back home. The sun is setting and he's talking to Terry and Carmine (who seems a little haught over me having another best friend, somebody much closer to me than he is) but I couldn't be happier. He told me all about that doll of a wife of his and how good life had turned out for him. He promised with all his might that he'd give me the best of everything as soon as I felt better. Jay ranted on and on about how it was unfair that _I _had to go through this and how I deserved better. At some point I started laughing and told him that he was more angry about my leg than I was. He told me 'Well if I'm not angry for you, you'd never be angry. Show some aggression about this, would you?' I told him it was at nobodies fault or not purposefully and he argued that purpose was not good enough, people were dead, people were hurt and people were never to be found. Purpose was not a good enough excuse to not be angry.

Elsa seemed quite keen on him. She said he was a 'colorful figure' and I had to agree. Jay had always been that way, loud and opinionated. His eye has been watching us all day, though her 'fiance' is coming over to visit soon. She's begged and pleaded, say's he's too old and far too perverted for her. I'd only wish her parents saw past their greed. There's nothing it seems I can do though.

September 27, 1845

Jay is staying the week and I can't say I've ever been happier. He's brought the light back into the house, though Carmine is jealous. I see it in the way his jaw locks when Jay kisses me on the head and acts like my mother or when we argue, then burst into laughter. I even brought it up and Carmine insisted 'I'm fine and have no reason to be jealous. I'm just glad your happy, okay?' and I reluctantly gave in and nodded.

Jay had pulled in a sum of money, said just until I can work again. This got me angry and we ended up yelling until I gave in. Terry is doing good in his schooling though and he's starting to catch an American accent. With luck, he'll catch one and go to secondary school than university. The chances I never had and I hope he does.

Jay came home before and said a man was looking for me, heard I was injured but wanted to talk. He told him that maybe he can pass by after church this Sunday. I asked Jay who it was and said the man had given no name. How strange, who could be searching for me? I couldn't tell you but it looks like I'll find out soon enough.

I'm almost able to walk completely on my leg. It is still very painful but I'm getting there. I feel as though Elsa's father is starting to suspect us though. He's starting to watch us more carefully and he checks up on us a bit too frequently when she comes upstairs to help me out while the other three are out. He almost caught us in a kiss yesterday, but thankfully he came in just a moment too late. By then we'd managed to part and she was changing the wraps on my leg. '_Imagine if women could be nurses, how nice would that be? I would make a great nurse,' _she insisted and I laughed, agreeing that she would do a very good job. There was conveniently some tear nearby and I picked up the cup and fidgeted with the glass, blowing the steam away to cool it a bit.


End file.
